THE CONFUSED QUOTE BOOK is a compilation of funny and ironic statements made by both famous and infamous people…ad a few unknowns as well as long as they were made in ear shot of Gwen Foss, who is responsible for it. Gwen is a virtuoso list and quote compiler who I had the pleasure of employing for about seven years. She presently operates a rare and used book dealership called Alan’s Used Books, which can be found online or via www.abebooks.com. Make her your first choice if you seeking a hard to find title. She is very dedicated to first-class personal service.
The Confused Quote Book
395 Slips, Misses, and Other Errors Spoken by the High, the Mighty, and Other Celebrities!
Copyright 1998 JSA Publications, Inc.
CONTENTS
Introduction
Part One: Samuel Goldwyn and his Hollywood Imitators
Part Two: Confused Quotes of Yogi Berra
Part Three: Political Asylum
Part Four: Unintelligible Pastimes
Part Five: Inexplicable Perils
Part Six: Incensed Invective
Part Seven: Argumentative Affirmations
INTRODUCTION
The perils fraught in the English language are well documented and debated. Over the centuries they’ve been discovered, dissected, analyzed, categorized, indexed, and ever-perplexing. This book is a collection of the more ingenious and implausible perils of our ancient, colorful but often maligned language which, after all, is supposed to be employed to communicate meaning. A professorial linguist might call them “incongruous utterances.” A studious composition teacher might call them “irregular usages.” A journalistic copy editor might call them “non sequiturs.” They have been called, more popularly, “Goldwynisms,” in honor of the modern father of the twisted statement, Hollywood mogul Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974). For present purposes, consider them simply “confused quotes” and be prepared to delight in them. Goldwyn was hardly the first person to make an art out of finding the bizarre, oddball meanderings of American English. American-extraodinaire Ben Franklin, an early devotee of words and their meanings, frequently featured clever, funny word pairings such as oxymorons, dangling participles, redundancies, alliterations, and the like in his Poor Richard’s Almanack. Following in his footsteps was Noah Webster, America’s first and greatest lexicographer. While the publication of his An American Dictionary of the English Language (1828) is his life’s work, he is known to have also collected unusual word usages and phrases that he found defied etymological explanation or classification. “It’s a language which never ceases to surprise me,” he wrote to his publisher in 1837. “Try as I might to master the beast, I am felled repeatedly, e’er found fleeing to the relative safety of the vernacular.” Modern observers of American English words and phrases, including the likes of H.L. Mencken, Charles Earle Funk, John Ciardi, Richard Lederer and William Safire, have popularized the peculiar kinks and quirks to which they are subjected. Countless others, mostly word amateurs, have feasted upon the juicy morsels of ambiguous, distorted, queer or just plain mangled pronouncements that have sprung from mouth and from paper into the heartland. In their wake one suspects they’ve stirred a special kind of glee, the kind that ignites the spirit of a condemned man after having cheated the hangman. First there’s a quiet smile, then a private pause, always followed by a joyful “Hallelujah!” Language does that to people. The nonsense which comprises this book evokes exactly that kind of feeling. It is humorous, pointed, witty, and usually paradoxical in that it expresses a truth despite the irony of meaning. When Goldwyn said to a pleading director: “An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on!” he was being emphatic. His meaning is clear: get it in writing. When Yogi Berra stated, in reply to an invitation for lunch at a new restaurant: “Nobody goes there any more; that place is too crowded,” he was politely declining. Yet to a fellow baseball-type, his meaning was probably perfectly understood and its irony undetected. But to the trained ear, both statements (and Goldwyn’s more famous “Gentlemen, include me out!”) are utterly incomprehensible. They each contain an internal contradiction. Adjectives cross their nouns and adverbs confound their supporting verbs. The result is a mystery of meaning, which is really not a mystery at all. This then, becomes the defining character of the statements collected herein: A confused quote is the utterance of an undeniable fallacy that nonetheless communicates its intended meaning. Other examples are instructive. “Anybody who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.” Similarly, “I need brain surgery like I need a hole in the head.” Both use an inherent truism of the predicate phrase to explain the subjective meaning. “He ate so many apples you’d think they grew on trees” is another illustration of this technique. Other entries are constructed with a built-in incongruity of possibility. “I had a recurring dream once” sounds plausible. But its meaning is subject to debate and proof. Can one have a recurring dream once? Or must it necessarily occur more than once? It’s a question as unlikely for resolution as the chicken or the egg debate. “I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous” is another in this vein. One can, but then one can’t, can they?
Yet others contain an irony of purpose. “If my back doesn’t get better in a week I’m going to the emergency room” was said by a man suffering pain. “I’ll fight him for nothing if the price is right,” was how a boxer replied to a reporter’s question about his next bout. What they meant is fairly clear. Whether they knew that’s what they intended to mean is subject to speculation. But as in every case herein, they said it and that’s its beauty.
This collection began many years ago, following a heated family dinner discussion on whether a pie can be divided in half four ways. It developed not unlike any collector’s passion for her collection, one piece at a time. Before too long a shoe box full of crazy, confused quotes was in hand. A little tinkering, some editing and categorizing followed. The net result is this menagerie of 395 delightful and witty confused quotes.
The first part of the collection focuses on Samuel Goldwyn, the man whose name has been forever linked to the confused quote. His best and most contradictory quotes are presented here, along with short sections on two of Hollywood’s great directors, Michael Curtiz and Gregory Ratoff, who were both noted for their ability to mangle words and their meanings. Part Two contains the confused quotes of baseball star Yogi Berra, who is remembered almost as much for his convoluted elocution as for his athletic prowess.
Part Three, Political Asylum, begins with the confused quotes of the infamous Dan Quayle, former vice president of the United States and first rate Goldwynist, and continues with the oral foibles of many other illustrious stumpsmen and women. It’s not surprising that pols are responsible for some of the worst offenses known to the tongue.
The balance of the collection includes confused quotes on a variety of topics. These bodacious gems have been grouped by subject matter and placed into four separate parts, each linked to a general theme suggested by their headings. Though they are bunched together, they are to be enjoyed individually, like delicious grapes consumed one at a time. As they are digested, the palette cries out for more. Fortunately, this vine is a fertile one even if the partaker is not easily satiated. Enjoy!
PART ONE
GOLDWYN AND HIS HOLLYWOOD IMITATORS
Samuel Goldwyn generated a great deal of publicity for himself and his movies by allowing his mastery of mixed metaphors to appear in the press. His verbal blunders were quoted and re-quoted until Goldwyn’s publicity people simply began to manufacture them. It is speculated that many, or possibly all, of these loquacious treasures were created merely to generate excitement and Hollywood gossip. But whether these are true Goldwyn quotes or not, they are all exquisite examples of what can happen when one talks faster than one thinks.
Goldwyn speaks!
On quitting:
“Include me out.”
On the unobservant:
“Didn’t you hear me keeping still?”
On superfluity:
“Take away the essentials and what have you got?”
To a fellow producer:
“I ran into your friend last night. He was at my house.”
On sculpture:
“I’m having a bust made of my wife’s hands.”
On conversation:
“Don’t talk to me while I’m interrupting.”
On friendship:
“We’d do anything for each other. We’d even cut each other’s throats for each other.”
On bestsellers:
“This book has too much plot and not enough story.”
On sick leave:
“I’ve been laid up with the intentional flu.”
On Mardi Gras:
“Even if they had it in the streets, I wouldn’t go.”
On modern technology:
“I’ll believe in color television when I see it in black and white.”
On publicity:
“This will start with a bang in Hollywood and degenerate throughout the whole world.”
On postmodernism:
“When it comes to ruining a painting, he’s an artist.”
On recycling:
“Go ahead and destroy those old files, but make copies of them first.”
On bad scripts:
“I read part of it all the way through.”
On bad actors:
“The scene is dull. Tell him to put more life into his dying.”
On bad movies:
“Go see it and see for yourself why you shouldn’t see it.”
On bad taste:
“If Roosevelt were alive, he’d turn over in his grave.”
Goldwyn makes a decision.
ON PERSPICACITY:
“We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.”
ON FIRM INDECISION:
“I’ll give you a definite maybe.”
ON INSPIRATION:
“I had a monumental idea last night, but I didn’t like it.”
ON OUTLANDISH SUGGESTIONS:
“In two words: im possible.”
Goldwyn negotiates.
ON SOLID DEALS:
“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”
ON COLLABORATION:
“I was always an independent, even when I had partners.”
TO A NEW COLLABORATOR:
“If you won’t give me your word of honor, will you give me your promise?”
ON THOSE WHO DON’T HAVE ULCERS BUT ARE DEFINITELY CARRIERS:
“Anything that man says you’ve got to take with a dose of salts.”
ON SALARIED STUDIO EXECUTIVES:
“We’re overpaying him, but he’s worth it.”
ON A PAST DEAL:
“We have all passed a lot of water since then.”
Goldwyn produces.
ON FILM AS ART:
“It’s greater than a masterpiece; it’s mediocre.”
ON ACTION FLICKS:
“I want a movie that starts with an earthquake and works up to a climax.”
ON PERIOD PIECES:
“Let’s bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth-century dialogue.”
ON LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT:
“Our comedies are not to be laughed at.”
ON RUTHLESS MOVIE MAKERS:
“Every director bites the hand that lays the golden egg.”
TO HIS MOVIE MUSIC COMPOSER:
“Please write music like Wagner, only louder.”
TO HIS WRITERS:
“Let’s have some new clichés.”
TO A SCREENWRITER WHO REVEALED THE NAME OF HIS PROTAGONIST:
“You’re going to call him William? Every Tom, Dick, and Harry is called William!”
ON TALENT:
“Look how I developed Jon Hall. He’s a better leading man than Robert Taylor will ever be someday.”
ON HIS OSCAR-WINNING FILM, ‘THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES:’
“I don’t care if it doesn’t make a nickel. I just want every man, woman, and child in America to see it.”
Goldwyn talks to the critics.
ON EMPTY PRAISE:
“Tell me, how did you love my picture?”
ON BEING REASSURING:
“I never liked you, and I always will.”
TO AN UNDECIDED CRITIC:
“Don’t let your opinion sway your judgment.”
ON UNEXPLORED TERRAIN:
“I’ve gone where the hand of man has never set foot.”
ON TOTAL AGREEMENT:
“When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.”
ON DISMISSING A CRITIC:
“Don’t pay any attention to him; don’t even ignore him.”
The Confused Quotes of Film Director Michael Curtiz:
INSTRUCTING GARY COOPER, WHO IS ON A HORSE:
“Now ride off in all directions.”
INSTRUCTING EXTRAS:
“Separate together in a bunch. Don’t stand around so much in little bundles.”
DIRECTING AN INTIMATE SCENE:
“Could you get a little closer apart?”
CALLING FOR HORSES WITHOUT RIDERS:
“Bring on the empty horses!”
ON GOOD EXCUSES:
“If I told you the truth, I’d be a hypocrite.”
ON STORY CONSTRUCTION:
“You can’t do it that way. You spoil the anticlimax.”
ON SET DESIGN:
“I want this house overfurnished in perfect taste.”
ON A MUSICAL:
“It’s dull from beginning to end, but it’s loaded with entertainment.”
ON HORROR MOVIES:
“When I see the pictures you play in that theater it makes the hair stand on the edge of my seat.”
ON HOSTILE CRITICS:
“Everyone wants to jump into my throat!”
A RAILWAY LAW SPELLS OUT PROPER MANNERS WHILE DRIVING A TRAIN:
“When two trains approach each other at a crossing, they shall both come to a full stop, and neither shall start up until the other has gone.”
The Confused Quotes of Film Director Gregory Ratoff:
ON SILENCE:
“If you can’t keep quiet, shut up!”
GIVING A WELL-DESERVED COMPLIMENT:
“You’re a parasite for sore eyes.”
ON BEING FORTHRIGHT:
“For your information, I’d like to ask you a question.”
ON THE STRANGE QUALITIES OF SILENCE:
“I want to hear it so quiet we can hear a mouse dropping.”
PART TWO
THE PROPHETIC VOICE OF YOGI BERRA
Second only to Goldwyn himself, baseball star Yogi Berra stands as a testament to the devastating human condition known as logorrhea malapropia. If there were a Hall of Fame for utterers of absurdities you can bet Yogi Berra would be a seminal inductee. His confused quotes are popularly known both as Yogi-isms and Berra-isms.
Yogi Expounds Upon Life.
ON CONTINUAL MULTIPLE RE-OCCURRENCES
“It’s like deja-vu all over again.” ON CONTINUAL MULTIPLE RE-OCCURRENCES
“It’s like deja-vu all over again.”
ON THE BEST EATERY IN PHILADELPHIA:
“No one goes to that restaurant anymore; it’s too crowded.”
ON RUNAWAY INFLATION: “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.” ON INCREASING ATTENDANCE AT THE GAMES: “If people don’t want to come out to the ball park, nobody’s going to stop them.” ON GOOD INVESTMENTS: “I bought this large life insurance policy because I’ll get it when I die.”
ON THE FIRST JEWISH MAYOR OF DUBLIN, IRELAND:
“It could only happen in America.”
ON FRENCHMEN IN AMERICAN POLITICS:
“Even Napoleon had his Watergate.”
DURING AN ACCEPTANCE SPEECH:
“I want to thank all the people who made this night necessary.”
ON CLEAR ADMONITION:
“If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.”
ON SET THEORY:
“Why don’t you pair ’em up in threes?”
WHEN ORDERING SWEATERS:
“Gimme one in navy blue and one in navy brown.”
TO PRESIDENT BUSH AFTER ATTENDING A WHITE HOUSE DINNER:
“How could you get a conversation started in there? Everyone was talking too much.”
ON UNATTAINABLE PERFECTION:
“If the world were perfect it wouldn’t be.”
ON A STEVE MCQUEEN MOVIE:
“He must have made that movie before he died.”
ON YANKEE STADIUM IN THE FALL:
“It gets late early out there.”
ON PREDICTIONS:
“Predictions are difficult, especially about the future.”
ON TRAVELING TO A HOME OPENER:
“There’s nothing like a home opener, whether it’s at home or on the road.”
WHEN GIVING DIRECTIONS:
“It’s pretty far but it doesn’t seem like it.”
ON FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS:
“You got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”
ON LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL:
“It keeps the kids out of the house.”
ON GOLF:
“Ninety percent of the putts that fall short of the hole don’t go in. The other ten percent, the wind blows them in.”
WHEN ASKED WHAT TIME IT WAS:
“You mean right now?”
ON THINGS TO COME:
“There’s no stopping the future.”
ON UNCERTAINTY:
“Uncertainty doesn’t bother me as long as we’re sure to win.”
ON THE BEST EATERY IN PHILADELPHIA:
“No one goes to that restaurant anymore; it’s too crowded.”
ON RUNAWAY INFLATION:
“A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”
ON INCREASING ATTENDANCE AT THE GAMES:
“If people don’t want to come out to the ball park, nobody’s going to stop them.”
ON GOOD INVESTMENTS:
“I bought this large life insurance policy because I’ll get it when I die.”
ON THE FIRST JEWISH MAYOR OF DUBLIN, IRELAND:
“It could only happen in America.”
ON FRENCHMEN IN AMERICAN POLITICS:
“Even Napoleon had his Watergate.”
DURING AN ACCEPTANCE SPEECH:
“I want to thank all the people who made this night necessary.”
ON CLEAR ADMONITION:
“If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.”
ON SET THEORY:
“Why don’t you pair ’em up in threes?”
WHEN ORDERING SWEATERS:
“Gimme one in navy blue and one in navy brown.”
TO PRESIDENT BUSH AFTER ATTENDING A WHITE HOUSE DINNER:
“How could you get a conversation started in there? Everyone was talking too much.”
ON UNATTAINABLE PERFECTION:
“If the world were perfect it wouldn’t be.”
ON A STEVE MCQUEEN MOVIE:
“He must have made that movie before he died.”
ON YANKEE STADIUM IN THE FALL:
“It gets late early out there.”
ON PREDICTIONS:
“Predictions are difficult, especially about the future.”
ON TRAVELING TO A HOME OPENER:
“There’s nothing like a home opener, whether it’s at home or on the road.”
WHEN GIVING DIRECTIONS:
“It’s pretty far but it doesn’t seem like it.”
ON FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS:
“You got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”
ON LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL:
“It keeps the kids out of the house.”
ON GOLF:
“Ninety percent of the putts that fall short of the hole don’t go in. The other ten percent, the wind blows them in.”
WHEN ASKED WHAT TIME IT WAS:
“You mean right now?”
ON THINGS TO COME:
“There’s no stopping the future.”
ON UNCERTAINTY:
“Uncertainty doesn’t bother me as long as we’re sure to win.”
Yogi Explains the Secrets of His Success.
ON CONCENTRATION:
“Ninety-nine percent of this game is half mental.”
ON LEARNING:
“You can observe a lot by watching.”
ON PERSISTENCE:
“You give 100% in the first half of the game, and if it isn’t enough, in the second half you give what’s left.”
ON DECISION MAKING:
If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
ON WINNING:
“The only way to beat them is to outscore them.”
Yogi Strikes a Defensive Quote.
ON HIS OWN SAGGING PERFORMANCE:
“I ain’t in no slump, I just ain’t hitting.”
ON A BASE-STEALING BALLPLAYER:
“He can run anytime he wants. I’m giving him the red light.”
ON A PERFECT GAME:
“It’s never happened in a World Series competition, and it still hasn’t.”
ARGUING WITH AN UMPIRE:
“Anyone who can’t tell the difference between a ball hitting wood and a ball hitting concrete must be blind.”
DEFENDING A FOUL BALL:
“Like hell it was. It was a clean single to the right.”
Dale Berra, baseball player, comparing himself to his father Yogi:
“Our similarities are different.”
PART THREE
POLITICAL ASYLUM
After dispensing with the confused quotes of the masters we must inevitably turn to the world of politics. While every person in the public eye is capable of committing a Goldwynism, no one has generated so much attention recently as former vice president Dan Quayle. Not all of his widely repeated gaffes qualify as Goldwynisms, but a few of his most confused quotes are lovingly presented here. Then proceeding to England we encounter member of parliament Sir Boyle Roche, whom some have called “The Original Goldwyn” due to the simple fact that he predates Sam by about a hundred years. Finally we reveal America’s greatest political misstatements and take a Goldwyn’s-eye look at and some current issues and the manner in which their discourse has been botched.
Confused Quotes of Dan Quayle, the Samuel Goldwyn of the 80s:
GREAT OPENING LINES:
“Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush and my fellow astronauts.”
ON THE EXPLORATION OF SPACE:
“This is the best planet on earth.”
ON DIRECTION:
“It’s a question of whether we’re going to go forward to the future, or past to the back.”
ON BEING PREPARED:
“We are not ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
ON GEOGRAPHY:
“I love California. I grew up in Phoenix.”
ON TRAVELING:
“I haven’t been to Michigan since the last time I was there.”
ON THE MANY CHAMBERS OF CONGRESS:
“I favor limiting the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate.”
IN DEFENSE OF HIS TENDENCY TO VERBAL ERROR, MR. QUAYLE SAID:
“I stand by all the misstatements.”
Wisdom from Sir Boyle Roche, Britain’s Own Goldwyn Mine:
ON PETTY DISCRIMINATION:
“If I have any prejudice against the honorable gentleman, it is in his favor.”
ON UNFORESEEN DIFFICULTIES:
“The cup of our trouble is running over, but alas, is not yet full.”
ON THE PROBLEM OF INVISIBLE ASSETS:
“Many thousands of them were destitute of even the goods they possessed.”
ON FUTURE ARCHAEOLOGY:
“All along the untrodden paths of the future, I can see the footprints of an unseen hand.”
ON ANATOMICAL ANOMALIES:
“They intend to cut off our heads and throw them in our faces.”
ON MAKING A FIRM PROTEST:
“While I write this letter, I have a pistol in one hand and a sword in the other.”
PROPOSING A NEW LAW TO MAKE TAVERN PATRONS HAPPIER:
“Every pint bottle should contain a quart.”
ON IDENTIFYING AND EVISCERATING THE ENEMY:
“I smell a rat, I see him floating in the air, but mark me, I shall nip him in the bud.”
A LOCAL POLITICAL PLATFORM IN THE 1920’s TRIES TO PLEASE EVERYONE:
“We are in favor of a law which absolutely prohibits the sale of liquor on Sunday, but we are against its enforcement.”
Cherished Verbal Mishaps of Our Greatest Minds:
“Most of our future lies ahead.”
–Harry S Truman
“I’m not against blacks, and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that.”
–Evan Mecham, former governor of Arizona
“I want it so that you can’t wipe your ass on a piece of paper that hasn’t got my picture on it.”
–Lyndon B. Johnson, demanding blanket publicity
Confused Quotes on Crime:
“We need stronger death penalties.”
“This is no time to pull the rug out in the middle of the stream.”
–Silvio Conte, congressman from Massachusetts
“I was there to make sure all the i’s were crossed and the t’s were dotted.”
–John Dean, Nixon aide, testifying during the Watergate hearings
“I can’t remember if I told you to stop forgetting.”
–John Mitchell, Nixon aide, on Watergate
“This strategy represents our policy for all time, until it’s changed.”
–Marlin Fitzwater, former Bush spokesman
“I’m not indecisive. Am I indecisive?”
–Jim Seibel, mayor of St. Paul, Minnesota
“I’m an armchair naturalist.”
–James Watt, Secretary of the Interior, Reagan administration
“Sit down and go out.”
–Unidentified mayor of Birmingham, Alabama, to a boisterous council member
“Democracy used to be a good thing, but now it has got into the wrong hands.”
–Jesse Helms, senator from North Carolina
“All day long I do nothing and I still don’t get it done.”
–Ronald Reagan, on retirement
“It’s time to set aside principle and do what’s right.”
–Dan DeGrow, Michigan state senator, supporting a spending plan
“That’s nobody’s goddamned business and you can quote me.”
–Gen. Harry Vaughan, military aide to President Truman, when asked by reporters about his connections with influence peddlers
“To hell with the public! I’m here to represent the people!”
–Unidentified New Jersey state senator
“If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it’s good enough for me.”
–Unidentified congressman, arguing to make English the official language of the United States
“When I assumed office four years ago, we stood at the edge of the precipice. Since then, we have taken a giant leap forward.”
–A boastful statement by a president of Brazil, as quoted by Jesse Jackson
“Capital punishment is our society’s recognition of the sanctity of human life.”
–Ross Perot, entrepreneur and would-be president
“Hijackers should be given a rapid trial with due process of law at the airport, then hanged.”
–Orrin Hatch, senator from Utah
“The police in Chicago are not here to create disorder, they are here to preserve it.”
–-Edward Davis, former Los Angeles Chief of Police
“The more killing and homicides you have, the more havoc it prevents.”
–Chicago Mayor Richard Daley, Sr.
“I’m not guilty and I won’t do it again.”
–Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley, Jr.
“I wouldn’t go downtown alone unless someone went with me.”
–Arizona senator John McCain
“I can’t think of any existing law that’s in force that wasn’t before.”
–Unidentified television newscaster commenting on the high incidence of crime in Seattle
“If crime went down 100%, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be.”
–President George H.W. Bush
“Can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no.”
–John Bowman, Washington, D.C. Councilman
Confused Quotes on Citizens’ Rights
“I was afraid the Statue of Liberty would run out.”
–Woman overheard explaining her decision to settle a lawsuit
“The First Amendment guarantees your right to cheat people fair and square.”
–Kurt Thornbladh, lawyer
“I am defending the right of this girl to be judged innocent until she is proved innocent.”
–Barnabas Collins, portrayed by Jonathan Frid on 1960’s gothic soap opera, Dark Shadows
“I would take my own head by the hair, cut it off, and presenting it to the despot, would say to him, ‘Tyrant, behold the act of a free man.’”
–Anonymous French revolutionary, 1789, according to Thomas Paine
“Discrimination is part of American greatness. Inequality, I think, breeds freedom and gives a man opportunity.”
–Lester Maddox, former governor of Georgia
Confused Quotes on Education
“Tudors needed.”
–Jim Bacchus, Florida representative in congress, in a letter soliciting tutors for high school students
“Be cool in school! Good grades has its rewards.”
–Sign at a fast food restaurant promoting education
“I took an effective speeching class.”
–Overheard high school student
“Once I couldn’t even spell ‘engineer;’ now I are one.”
–Student joke, Chrysler Institute
“Say noe to illiteracy.”
–Political slogan
“Procrastinator’s class has been delayed until next Tuesday.”
–Announcement in a community college newsletter
“We have homework but we do it in the class.”
–Unidentified student interviewed for education survey
“We is graduating!”
–Popular high school refrain
“I’ve done research up the ass and I haven’t found shit.”
–Janice Jones, student, University of Michigan
“My daughter finished four years of studying Chinese and went to work in Kentucky.”
–Mary Lay, educator
“I took four years of Spanish One.”
–Robert F. Johnson, computer systems operator
Confused Quotes on Health Care
“I’m scared to death to get sick.”
-Newspaper headline
“If I died in a hospital, I’d sue!”
–Elizabeth A. Johnson, diabetes patient
“The person who is addicted to cocaine responds differently the very first time he uses it.”
–-Dr. David Smith, addiction specialist
“If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free.”
–-P. J. O’Rourke, political columnist
PART FOUR
UNINTELLIGIBLE PASTIMES
Gathered here you will find the world’s wisdom applied to the activities of daily life, proof that Sam Goldwyn’s spirit still inhabits the homes and workplaces of the nation.
Confused Quotes on Literature and Entertainment
“The book is so well written one can hardly understand it.”
–Lord Byron, poet
“Not a translation — only taken from the French.”
–Richard Brinsley Sheridan, playwright
“The following poem continues thus…”
–Cecile Mermelstein, poet
“It will be noticed that some omissions will also appear in this edition.”
–Thomas Carlyle, British historian
“Does the album have any songs you like that aren’t on it?”
–-Vanity Decklestad, author and songwriter
“If you haven’t seen it before it’s certainly worth seeing again.”
–Millie Vinitsky Foss, legal secretary, trying to talk a friend into seeing one of her favorite movies
“I was watching the radio yesterday.”
–John Foss, unicyclist and educator
“The show’s only a half hour long. You can’t do Hitler justice in half an hour.”
–Peter H. Foss, engineer, complaining about the length of a certain television documentary
“Wanted: Circus clown with experience. Serious applicants only.”
–Newspaper classified advertisement
Confused Quotes on Haute Cuisine
“I can’t eat on an empty stomach.”
–Joseph Ajlouny
“Just for a change, I’ll have the usual.”
–Overheard at a cafe
“It hasn’t been touched by human hands, only me.”
–Steven Held, broker
“For this week only, Food Fair is featuring a Passover special on Rath bacon and ham.”
–-Broadcast commercial
“Food is an essential ingredient to any balanced diet.”
–Terrance Higby, dramatist
“I like a french fry with a little meat on it.”
–Joey West, author and entertainer
Confused Quotes on Religion
“I will now lead you in a few moments of silent prayer.”
–Bill Peterson, football coach
“God is an atheist.”
–Overheard at college lecture
“The Garden of Eden is boring as Hell.”
–Davidson Loehr, pastor
“God, give me patience now.”
–Popular adage
“There will be a procession next Sunday afternoon on the grounds of the monastery; but if it rains in the afternoon, the procession will take place in the morning.”
–-Church bulletin announcement
“Say no to negativity.”
–John Corrado, slef improvement author
“I grew up a strict Unitarian.”
–Jennine Lanouette, organizer and activist
Confused Sports Quotes
“Today Pittsburgh beat the Pirates, 6 to 6.”
–Vince Sculley, sportscaster
“I like football better than baseball. There is less irritation since there are fewer football games.”
–Overheard at Detroit Tiger Stadium
“It’s surrounded by water on three sides.”
–Roger Twibell, television golf commentator, describing the 16th hole at Hazeltine National
“The reporters’ slight show of ultra-patriotism is excusable.”
–Letter to the editor
“Our pitching could be better than I think it will be.”
–Sparky Anderson, baseball manager
“I put Sugar Ray Robinson on the canvas where he tripped over my body.”
–Rocky Graziano, champion boxer
“We got reamed inside and out.”
–Overheard at basketball game
“Basketball develops individuality, initiative, and leadership. Now get out there and do exactly what I tell you to.”
–Dick Vitale, coach and commentator
“Here comes the pitch — it’s a well-hit ball — going straight away center field — going — going — and it’s curving foul!”
-Unidentified sports announcer
“I’m the football coach around here and don’t you remember it.”
–Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
“The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.”
“Fans, don’t fail to miss tomorrow’s game!”
–Dizzy Dean, baseball pitcher after being hit in the head with a struck ball
PART FIVE
INEXPLICABLE PERILS
Goldwynists don’t have more problems than other people, they just sound like they do. The aggravations of time, money and relationships all provide justification for confusion in word and thought. One can’t help but wonder if these speakers — and worse, these writers — knew what they were saying when they mis-said it.
Confused Quotes on Angst
“We’re all in this alone.”
–Lily Tomlin, actress and comic
“When George Burns said he was a comedian, everyone laughed at him.”
–-Vanna White, television gameshow star
“Solitude’s always better with someone else around.”
–Character portrayed by William Katt, on TV series House
“Can you be a little more specific in a general way?”
–Overheard in a movie box office line
“I had to sell my saucepan so I could buy something to cook in it.”
–Woody Guthrie, folk singer/songwriter
“It didn’t hurt at first but then I got used to it.”
–-Tony Slattery, actor and improvisational performer, ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway?’
“I left my beeper at your house. If you find it, page me.”
–Darren Ezzo, restaurant manager
“Here lies the body of John Mound, lost at sea and never found.”
–Gravestone
“Let’s get out of here and duck!”
–Jamie MacCrimmon, portrayed by Frazer Hines in episode of sci-fi series Doctor Who
“There is a lot of information that has to happen.”
–Overheard in high school science class
“I’ll see that when I believe it.”
–Deanne Bednar, educator and political activist
“I spent a year in that town one Sunday.”
–Warwick Deeping, author
“I can keep a secret, but the people I tell it to can’t.”
–Overheard at doctor’s office
“I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.”
–Stephen Wright, comedian
“Look, it ticks!”
–Tin Man, portrayed by Jack Haley, receiving his heart-shaped clock in The Wizard of Oz
“Is this the only original?”
–Overheard at jewelry store
“Things were run on a need-to-know principle: if you needed to know, you weren’t told.”
–Peter Jay, publishing executive
“Now let’s all try to settle this problem in a true Christian spirit.”
–Senator Austin Warren at U.N. on the continuous squabbling between Arabs and Israelis
“Occupant does not live at this address.”
–On a returned piece of mail
“Let me know if you don’t receive this.”
–George Bernard Shaw, playwright and author, closing a letter
“Molenda’s last known address was not known.”
–Police report
“I’m a man of very strong indecision.”
–Oscar Brodney, screenwriter
“Is this the party to whom I’m speaking?”
–‘Ernestine,’ portrayed by Lily Tomlin
Confused Quotes on Money
“There are no costs, though they have been considerable.”
–Overheard at a business conference
“This estimate for labor doesn’t include materials.”
–Mechanic discussing a car repair
“The tax scheme favors corporations that operate totally or more in North Carolina.”
–Newspaper editorial
“If the Exchequer persists in taxing the brewing and distilling industries, they will inevitably kill the cow that lays the golden milk.”
–Sir Frederick Milner, member of British parliament
“If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut off right from under your feet.”
–Ernest Bevin, member of British parliament
“Nobody uses those things anymore.”
–Antique dealer declining to purchase a pair of spectacles from 1911
“He’s so greedy, he wouldn’t be on an uninhabited island twenty-four hours before he had his hands in the pockets of the naked savages.”
–Unidentified British politician
Confused Quotes on Time
“No one’s faster than me; I take my time.”
–Desmond Dorrell Easley, courier
“As we speak, starting next Monday…”
–Unidentified keynote speaker
“It’s not ‘right away’ yet.”
–Peter Johnson, computer systems operator
“If you want instant coffee, you’ll have to wait.”
–Overheard at Starbucks
“We could do this faster if we had more time.”
–Don Krehbiel, choral conductor, during rehearsal
“Don’t do yesterday what you can’t do tomorrow.”
–Goldie Hawn, actress
“How long have you had that birthmark?”
–Overheard at beauty salon
“You have one hour, and probably no less than that.”
–Steven Held, broker
“How old was she when she was born?”
–Virginia Graham, talk show host, questioning new mother Angie Dickinson
“Hurry up! It’s nine in the afternoon!”
–-Vanity Decklestad, author and songwriter
“The meaning of life is to seek fulfillment of one’s personal goals. My personal goal is to discover the meaning of life.”
–Deborah Bray, student, Stevenson High School, Livonia, Michigan
Confused Quotes on Family
“I’d like to thank my parents and my mother and father.”
–Greg Norman, golf pro, accepting a prestigious award
“My friend is an orphan; both her parents died before she was born.”
–Anonymous eight-year-old
“I grew up as a kid.”
–Gregory Mahaffey, IRS investigator
“My daughter is spending today with her father and she’ll be spending Father’s Day with me.”
–Brenda Anderson Plecha, training specialist and family life education manager, on Mother’s Day
“If you kids don’t stop eating those cookies, I’m not going to buy any more!”
–Anonymous father
Confused Quotes on Dating
“I’m currently exclusive with two guys.”
–Overheard at a singles mixer
“Her ad lib lines were well rehearsed.”
–Rod Stewart, rock singer and songwriter
“She doesn’t like me and I don’t like her, so it’s neutral.”
–Sean Penn, actor
“The three of us make a great couple.”
–Overheard at Christmas party
“We’re married out of wedlock.”
–Candy Rodriguez, beauty queen
“I’ve got a man who cheats so much I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.”
–Letter to Dear Abby
“I don’t like any of my loved ones.”
–Joey West, humorist
“I can teach you how to talk to your kids about sex, even if you’ve never done it before.”
–Unidentified psychiatric social worker
“She couldn’t make up a story like that if it wasn’t true.”
–Sister of Paula Jones, who accused Bill Clinton of sexual harassment
“I understand that Orthodox Jews don’t have sex until their children are married.”
–Barry Steiger, humorist
“I’m looking for a meaningful overnight relationship.”
–Lawrence Nowak, restaurant manager
“If you don’t get out of here and leave me alone, I’m going to find somebody who will.”
–Anonymous fed-up girlfriend
“My wife has a whim of iron.”
-Oliver Herford, author
“There’s no one more depressed than a happily married man.”
–Mickey Rooney, actor
Confused Quotes on Gender Identity
“You should hear her sing. She’s like a female Lena Horne.”
–Joe Pasternak, film producer
“About half of all babies are boys and girls.”
–Editorial in the Watertown (New York) Daily Times
“Nearly half of our post mistresses are women.”
–-Article in a postmaster journal
“You’ll never be the man your mother was.”
–Overheard at theater
“But you don’t understand! You’re trying to change the English language, which has been around a lot longer than women have!”
–Anonymous high school student complaining about eliminating gender bias in writing
PART SIX
INCENSED INVECTIVE
Often the best Goldwynisms are created when we are trying our best to insult, intimidate, or verbally overpower our favorite foes. But beware the boomerang jab — the put-down that can backfire in your face. Here’s a generous sampling.
Self-Defensive Confused Quotes
“I can be brainless if I put my mind to it.”
–Murray Hodgson, talent agent
“Occasionally I decide to be impulsive.”
–Peter Henrickson, author and songwriter
“I couldn’t have been drunk; I only had two six-packs.”
–Anonymous motorist pulled over for drunk driving
“I’m just talking to myself but no one’s listening.”
–Miggy Cohen, raconteur
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
–James Thurber, humorist
“I wrote the words; my bass player Slim wrote the lyrics.”
–Vincent Beneteau, artist and raconteur, introducing a song
“You can go with me or we can go together; it’s up to you.”
–Gino Vannelli, author and songwriter
“Anonymity is my claim to fame.”
–Dirk Hamilton, singer and songwriter
I know what pot smells like because I’ve read all about it.
–Jessie Munro, author and critic
“I’ll be right there when I get there.”
–-Anonymous waiter at Carnegie Deli
“I wouldn’t be paranoid if everybody didn’t hate me.”
–Overheard
“I’m wearing my non-conformist uniform.”
–Mike Kazaleh, cartoonist
“I don’t need an answering machine — I’m never home!”
-Overheard in law office
“We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty.”
–-Douglas Adams, author
“If ever I utter an oath again may my soul be blasted to eternal damnation.”
–George Bernard Shaw, playwright
“Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.”
–Robert F. Johnson, computer systems operator
“Profundities are just a guise for people who don’t know what they’re talking about. And that is profundity.”
–Cecile Mermelstein, poet
“It’s like…um…what’s that word for when you’re fishing for an answer?”
–Gary Geez, author
“Can you keep your voices down so everyone can see?”
–Bonnie Schorer Clark, volunteer emcee at a charity auction
“The guy down the street knew I was a pacifist cause I had gotten in fights with his son.”
–Walter Jonas, community activist
“This is a test of the school P.A. system. Will all classrooms that cannot hear me please call the office immediately.”
–-Michael Mikula, elementary school principal
“Last month I blew five thousand dollars on a reincarnation seminar. I figured, hey, you only live once.”
–Randy Shakes, comedian
“No one can shut me up unless they tie my hands behind my back.”
–-Heather Hicks, restaurant manager
“Don’t be superstitious — it’s bad luck.”
–Finian McLonergan on the musical Finian’s Rainbow
“You’ll non-conform when I tell you to non-conform.”
–Anonymous producer
“Those aren’t commercials, those are advertisements!”
–Steve Flynn, Zamboni driver
“I’m gonna be in bed by the time I get home.”
–-Bruce McVey, musician
“Nepotism isn’t all that bad as long as you keep it in the family.”
–Unidentified member of the Detroit City Council
“My thoughts are going to be no more together now than they will be in a minute.”
–Lawrence Nowak, restaurant manager
“He’s world famous all over Norway.”
–Theodore Bikel, actor, singer and musician, quoting an unidentified source
“He always does improv — he plans it, of course.”
–-Whoopi Goldberg, comic and actress
“As soon as the government starts talking about war, we all get up in arms about it.”
–Unidentified peace activist
“Everybody hates me because I’m so universally liked.”
–Peter DeVries, author
“Don’t say ‘yes’ until I finish talking.”
–-Darryl F. Zanuck, producer
“I didn’t break it; I read the destructions!”
–-Stephen Asman, commuter computer tutor
“You know what I hate? Rhetorical questions, that’s what I hate.”
–William Jennings Bryan, minister and statesman
“I know that’s a speckled woodpecker out there, and I can prove it! Get me a picture of a bird book!”
–Elizabeth A. Johnson, administrator
“If God had meant people to go nude they would have been born that way.”
–Unidentified tele-vangelist
“‘The more articulate, the less said’ is an old Chinese proverb which I just made up myself.”
–Don Herald, author
“It is a folly to expect men to do all they may reasonably be expected to do.”
–Richard Whately, humorist
“There’s a certain universality of feeling which is almost worldwide.”
–Marlon Brando, actor
“It wasn’t important, but it was probably critical.”
–Steven Held, investment broker
“I don’t want to stir up a hornet’s nest with my client as the goat.”
–Milton Clements, insurance adjuster
“Every man loves his native land, whether he was born there or not.”
–Attributed to Thomas Fitch, author
“We went to different schools together.”
–William Bryant, department store manager
“I knew him since before he was born.”
–L.E. Moir, historian
“Now were all gonna cooperate and do things my way.”
–Gerald Edward ‘Sarge’ Ruppel, US Army
Nasty Confused Quotes
“Did your mother have any children that survived?”
–Joan Rivers, talk show host
“How dare you look at me in that tone of voice.”
–Popular saying
“I’m not a gossip. That’s only a nasty rumor started by the people I talk about.”
–Unidentified television character
“There’s two things I hate — bigots and niggers.”
–Man on the street interview
“Bless you, Sister. May all your sons be bishops.”
–Playwright Brendan Behan, on his deathbed, to a nun
“What a show! Every number is better than the one that follows it!”
–-Tony Bennett, singer
“He’s universally loved by dozens.”
–-Utah Phillips, songwriter
Hollywood is a great place to call home but I wouldn’t want to live there.
–Rod Serling, dramatist and screenwriter
“I’m not self deprecating myself. I might self deprecate you, though.”
—John Dalaly, author and songwriter
“It’s good to know I can always depend on your half-hearted support.”
–Ashleigh Brilliant, syndicated newspaper poet
“I don’t believe in astrology, I think horoscopes are crap, and all of us Libras feel the same way.”
–-Professor Whitney Anderson, Wayne State University, Detroit
Demanding Confused Quotes
“Damn your potty mouth!”
–Popular saying
“I’ll have no yelling in here!!”
–Kevin Garrison, airline pilot and author
“Just shut up and tell me what he said!”
–Judge Joseph Wapner in TV series The People’s Court
“I’m not trying to belittle you, I just want to knock you down to size.”
–Joseph S. Ajlouny, literary agent and boss
“Yeah, keep me up when I can’t sleep!”
–Kathleen Jacobs, student, Kalamazoo College
“Must you insist on playing while I’m conducting?”
–Sir Adrian Boult, conductor, to a disruptive musician
“You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you.”
–Carly Simon, singer and songwriter
“You call this a script? Give me a couple of $5,000-a-week writers and I’ll write it myself.”
–Joe Pasternak, film producer
“I wanna see some toleration around here or I’m gonna bust some heads.”
–Overheard at corner market
“I loved that meal; let’s never have it again.”
–Anonymous guest at hotel bistro
“Your old title means nothing here, Captain.”
–Evil alien in TV series Star Trek
“I’m always open to honest criticism from you judgmental creeps.”
–Robert Altman, filmmaker to film critics
“You’re gonna enjoy yourself whether you like it or not.”
–Allan Sherman, singer and parodist
“Try to use a little tact, you fathead!”
–Burt Reynolds, actor
“I’m so popular that everybody hates me.”
–Howard Stern, radio personality
PART SEVEN
ARGUMENTATIVE AFFIRMATIONS
Now that we have seen the terrible effects of the boomerang jab we must examine the even more dangerous ricochet wind. The only thing worse than a mangled insult is a misspoken gloat. Witness…
Confused Quotes on Modesty
“Modesty is my best quality.”
–Gypsy Rose Lee, burlesque performer
“Humility is something I’ve always prided myself on.”
–Bernie Kosar, quarterback
“I’ll admit I was never wrong.”
–Cher, singer and actress
“There is only one book on humility. I wrote it myself.”
–James Ullathorne, former Archbishop of Canterbury
“One must not be a name-dropper, as Her Majesty remarked to me at luncheon yesterday.”
–-Norman St. John-Stevas, member of British parliament
“If only we could get rid of our arrogance, we’d be perfect!”
–Overheard at literary salon
“I may not always be right, but I’m never wrong.”
–Isaac Asimov, author
“This award isn’t mine alone — it’s just as much for Susan and Margaret, so it’s really for all three of me.”
—Anonymous actress
“I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.”
–Lee Iacocca, automobile executive
“Consensus is when we have a discussion then I decide.”
–Donald Trump, real estate developer
“A true story, based on fiction.”
–-Caption on a film script written by Millie Vinitsky Foss as a high school student
“I had to lie to pass the polygraph test.”
–Anonymous sex offender
“I do not mind lying, but I hate inaccuracy.”
–-Samuel Butler, author
“Our opinion can be substantiated with a rumor.”
–Overheard at accounting office
“The most important thing is to tell the truth, even if you have to lie to do it.”
–-Jessie Munro, author and critic
“I don’t want to tell you any half-truths unless they’re completely accurate.”
–Dennis Rappaport, boxing manager
Confused Quotes on Death
“Once you’re dead you’re made for life.”
–Jimi Hendrix, rock star
“Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.”
–Bathroom graffiti
“He’s got rigor mortis? Oh, that’s a healthy sign!”
–Overheard from a ‘concerned’ friend of the family
“All life is sacred and we’re willing to kill for it.”
–-Anonymous pro-life activist
“I could live with killing myself.”
–-Overheard in group therapy session
“He had the same condition I’ve got, only mine is much worse.”
–Comment regarding the decedent, overheard at a funeral
“And now a record by Glenn Miller, who became a legend in his own lifetime by his untimely death.”
–-Nicholas Parsons, BBC announcer
“I can never remember whether it was you or your brother who was killed in the war.”
–Overheard at a family reunion
“People are dying today who have never died before.”
–Unidentified member of New York City Council defending a plan to sell souvenirs of dead celebrities
“If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive!”
–Pete Townsend, rock star
“I’d kill myself before I’d even think of suicide.”
–Overheard at psychologist’s office
“If you don’t go to other people’s funerals, they won’t come to yours.”
–Clarence Day, author
“If he knew, the current Pope would turn over in his grave.”
–Sylvan Zaft, theater producer
“I hope I live to hear my funeral sermon.”
–George Burns, actor and comedian
“The only way to stop this suicide wave is to make it a capital offense punishable by death.”
–Unidentified member of the British parliament
Confused Quotes on Math and Statistics
“Forty-three percent of all statistics are worthless.”
–Dale Kriebel, educator
“The interests of the employers and the employed are the same ninety-nine times out of ten.”
–Lord Curzon, member of British parliament
“We’ll have to break it down into one piece.”
–Overheard at auto collision shop
“Winning is about 90% strength and 40% technique.”
–Johnny Walker, boxer
“There is no exception to the rule that every rule has an exception.”
–Attributed to James Thurber, author
“If you can tell me how many marbles I have behind my back, I’ll give you both of them!”
–Unidentified summer camp counselor
“We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other.”
–-Barry Beck, hockey player, after a fight on the ice
“There’s one thing you are: you’re hot and you’re game.”
–Angie Dickinson, to herself on arriving in Hollywood as an ambitious young actress
“There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.”
–-Overheard at social workers’ meeting
Wild Advertising Claims
“We give you service and support 365 days a week.”
–Ad for computer software
“The more you call, the more you save.”
–Ad for long distance telephone company
“Later is now.”
–Ad for computer store
“Now only $3.95 — this beautiful genuine faux pearl necklace!”
–Ad for jewelry store
“If it’s in stock we got it.”
–Ad slogan of tire supply house
“Never revealed before — the powerful magic chant that relieves asthma and bronchitis!”
–Ad in New Age catalog
“This powerful talisman brings money to you, just $6.00 postpaid.”
–Ad in New Age catalog
“We have to reach back into the future.”
–Anonymous computer salesman at trade show
“My wife was at death’s door and one bottle of your medicine pulled her through.”
–Product endorsement
Confused Messages Meant for Public Edification
“Members and Non-Members Only”
–Sign outside exclusive disco
“Closed due to illness.”
–-Sign at health-food store
“Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling.”
–-Sign at golf course
“Wish – to end all the killing in the world. Hobbies – hunting and fishing.”
–-Bryan Harvey, baseball player, on his personal statistics
“Will the owner of a lost small black case containing a hearing aid please identify themselves by pressing the call button.”
–Announcement on an airport public address system
“The News will be on immediately following ‘Fifty Years of Television.’”
–Television announcement
“There will be an organizational meeting of anarchists Tuesday evening.”
–-Announcement in a community college newsletter
“We’ll be right straight back after this word from Doeskin Tissues: the very best Kleenex you can buy!”
–Kate Smith, TV talk show host
“Reports are sketchy, but we have heard that in the first heart transplant operation in Belgium, both patient and donor are doing fine.”
–Radio news announcement