A Dozen Limericks

This selection of limericks originated many years ago as the result of a challenge. I was attending a conference dedicated to the study of British author G.K. Chesterton at St. Michael’s College within the University of Toronto. It is particularly memorable because I chauffeured Sister Bernadette Sheridan of the Immaculate Heart of Mary Sisterhood to the event. She was a special woman, as nuns often are. I’m guessing she was in her late 80’s but she was bright and friendly and an excellent travel companion. Sister Bernadette loved word games and puzzles and she knew an extraordinary number of limericks, some of them quite ribald. She said she found them particularly useful during her teaching career because children love them and found them easy to read. One magical evening she regaled the assembled Chestertonians with her recitation of these limericks. Even though this is an often ribald category of humor, hers were pretty tame. But for kids they are rather risqué. Though she is long departed I remember her and many of her fellow nuns at the Motherhouse from the IHM Center in Monroe, Michigan very well. I was honored to be their friend.

There once was a boy from France

Who found some baked beans by chance

He ate them so quickly

That soon he felt sickly

And blew a great hole in his pants.

 

There once was a girl named Rose

Who had really peculiar toes

If she bent the right way

At any time of day

She could use them for scratching her nose.

 

There once was a storyteller named Zeke

Who was afraid he had reached his peak

But he was such a bore

That people would snore

As soon as he started to speak.

 

There once was a girl up a tree

Who was pleased by how far she could see

But a bird gave a peck

Then a squirrel bit her neck

And then she got stung by a bee.

 

There once was a girl named Cher

Who never ever cut her hair

When she was really old

It was full of black mold

But by then she didn’t care.

 

There once was a big fat beast

Who was slow and dumb at least

Some cavemen hooked him

And when they cooked him

They had a month long feast.

 

There once was a girl named Clare

Whose nose had more snot than was fair

She went in for a pick

But found it too thick

So her finger got stuck tight in there.

 

There once was a boy aged four

Who knocked his dad to the floor

I’m afraid it all started

When the young boy farted

And the smell was rotten to the core.

 

There once was a dog named Rott

Who howled at the moon a lot

But he was a big dunce

That he bit himself once

And needed a rabies shot.

 

There once was a caveman named Bradley

Who craved for soup quite badly

So he started a fire

Which you must admire

But he then burned his fingers quite sadly.

 

There once was a vampire named Lec

Who became an emotional wreck

So he started to bawl

“I have no friends at all

Because I’m a pain in the neck!”

 

There once was a gum-chewer named Deke

He blew a bubble the size of his cheek

When it popped it was sticky

All gooey and icky

And gum in his hair for a week.